Day Three " What Drives Your Life? "

Key Points:
Many people are driven by guilt, resentment/anger, materialism, fear, the need for approval.
Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life, simplifies your life, motivates your life, prepares you for eternity.

Verses: " you Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you" Isaiah 26:3
" I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead" Philippians 3:13

There is something so oddly liberating about writing this blog. It feels so much more power than journaling. Something about sending my inner most thoughts and questions into the cosmic void. I'm not looking for readership, approval, or praise...but the thought of just knowing my words are "out there" is powerful enough. I'm picturing myself somewhere between "You've got Mail" and "Julie and Julia" but nevertheless that is neither here nor there...just something that I've been thinking.
This chapter gets to the very essence on why I'm embarking on the journey..what drives my life? ah I have no idea. My mother loves to brag about how "driven" I am. Sure I did graduate college in 3 years, while holding a job, and was the youngest person accepted into my masters program. I train for and run marathons completing a distance that most wouldn't even think about attempting and I do it for fun. In her mind this is being driven. But driven by what...for what? In reading the reasons that many people are driven I was able to focus my attention on two of them, the need for approval and fear. For me both of these pretty much go together. I am a people pleaser and I people please myself into impossible situations. I just want to be successful...to look someone in the eyes and say " I'm a..." and feel empowered about it. I want to be accepted. Fear comes into play because I am terrified of failure. Terrified of living an unsuccessful life? Ah..that may be it but I would venture to say that I'm more afraid of not being accepted, not being valued, not being looked upon with praise than the latter. It's not about money...I really don't think it is. I didn't grow up with money and to me my mom is the most successful person I know. though she would argue this. Everyday she makes a difference in the lives of so many families...and I read books, write papers, and better no one by myself. I WANT A PURPOSE!! I WANT PASSION!! I WANT A DIRECTION! I view my current self as the classic definition of a mess...spinning the wheels at 90 miles an hour and getting nowhere...why? because I have no clue where I'm going. This chapter says that without a clear purpose you will keep changing directions hoping that change will settle the confusion or fill the emptiness in your heart but your real problem is a lack of focus and purpose. Exactly...this is exactly how I act. Lets review shall we? I moved for high school because I was unhappy and of course moving was going to solve the problem..fail, I'm at my third school in 4 years, the real motivating reason behind my three year graduation adventure was because in my mind once I moved here I would be happy...ah not exactly, why have I submitted 8 million summer internship applications...because maybe a job will give me a direction or some sense of what I'm going to do and don't even get me started on how I have handled my relationships this year. It was like I was was writing this chapter " I feel like a failure because I'm struggling to become something and I don't even know what it is"...Exactly!!!!
So what did I get out this chapter...umm I realized even more that I need a purpose and a focused life. To live each day as if it was on purpose...didn't someone say that in a movie? I guess what it all boils down to is that to find my purpose I must also find God. In growing in my relationship with him I can find my purpose.
I'm re-learning how to pray and it was both an empowering and a terrifying experience. I am no longer praying for specific things but instead praying that God's will be done in my life. Instead of praying for a specific internship, I am praying for my summer to filled with an enriching experience that will help fulfill God's purpose for me. Instead of praying for a specific relationship to work out, I am praying for the husband I know God has planned for me. It's a scary leap of faith but it's all in God's hands, I will ask, seek, knock...and then go where he calls me too regardless of weather or not it is what I had in mind...